How to be a great aunt

If you're asking the question "how can I be a great aunt," we have good news: you almost certainly already are one! Wanting to be a a great aunt for your nieces and nephews is a loving desire, and a worthwhile goal to work toward.

More good news: being a great aunt isn’t about checking off a predetermined list, but about being present, supportive, and someone your nieces and nephews know they can count on (no perfection required).

Here are some thoughtful ways to be a truly great aunt—we can't wait to hear how you make them your own!

1. Be consistently present.

No, this isn't just for those who are lucky enough to live in the same city! Whether you live around the corner or across the country, it's possible to maintain a consistent presence in your little ones' lives. 

If you do live close, it's wonderful to show up for big events—but maybe even more meaningful to show up for the everyday ones. Can you join family dinner once a week? Come to a random Saturday morning game? Sometimes, these lower-profile opportunities offer more chances for connection than holidays or high-stakes performances.

If you don't live close by, find a method of staying in touch that works for you both. Calling, texting, or video chatting can be fun depending on your niece or nephew's age, but sending snail mail back and forth or swapping a reading journal could become a beloved connection, too!

Either way, make it a point to ask them about what they're into, remember it, and then weave it back into your conversations and relationship. This will help them to feel seen and known!

2. Consider your gift-giving strategy. 

All aunts know—one of the best parts of being an aunt is giving the best gifts!

As you indulge your nieces and nephews, though, consider how you can give them your undivided attention and not just physical gifts. Ask about their hobbies and passions and take part: watch their favorite show, listen to the same album, go to a museum, play a game, bake together. Even if you're not able to participate, buying them tickets to a performance or playing for a pottery class are lovely ways to connect. (Just don't forget to ask them how it went afterward!)

Gifts are fun, but your time and interest matter more.

3. Create traditions and memories.

Movie nights, bookstore trips, Saturday pancakes—little traditions can become lifelong memories. 

One aunt I know handles school supply shopping, taking each of her nieces and nephews on individual dates to Target and then out for ice cream each August. Another hosts her nieces in her city when they turn ten. No matter what makes sense for your littles, consider printing photos or creating a simple memory book to look back on later.

4. Hone your listening skills.

You can likely think of an adult aside from your parents who was a trusted confidante at some point in your childhood. In a sweet turn of events, you are now perfectly poised to be that person for your nieces and nephews! 

Whether you live close by or far apart, this is another reason to prioritize spending generous amounts of physical time together—there's simply no substitute. I loved this quote from a column by Frank Bruni:

"It was over lunch at the beach house one day that my oldest nephew spoke with unusual candor, and at unusual length, about his expectations for college, his experiences in high school —stuff that I’d grilled him about previously, never harvesting the generous answers that he volunteered during that particular meal.

It was on a run the next morning that my oldest niece described, as she’d never done for me before, the joys, frustrations and contours of her relationships with her parents, her two sisters and her brother. Why this information tumbled out of her then, with pelicans overhead and sweat slicking our foreheads, I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that I’m even more tightly bonded with her now, and that’s not because of some orchestrated, contrived effort to plumb her emotions. It’s because I was present. It’s because I was there."

Let your nieces and nephews know that they can always come to you, no matter the topic, and then show up. Sit down next to them. Listen closely. Share stories from your life.

5. Cultivate what matters in your own life. 

The way you live your life will be a powerful example for your nieces and nephews for what's possible as they grow.

If you want them to believe there's more to life than hurry, overwhelm, and hustle, let them see you valuing contentment over achievements. If you hope she'll find a passion that makes her come alive, let her see you working hard at the things you love.

Live out what matters yourself. Even a jaded teen with a finely-tuned cringe-meter will find it intriguing :)

6. Love your brother or sister, too.

Ask your sibling (or sibling-in-law) what’s most helpful. Could you handle school pick-up once a week? Take the kids for a sleepover once a month? Read picture books via FaceTime at the witching hour on occasion? Something else you would never have thought of?

Not only might these open up sweet moments of connection between you and your niece or nephew, but they could be a real lifeline for your sibling, too, a parent who quite possibly feels stretched thin or overwhelmed. 

7. Remember that kids are weird.

A funny final reminder, but a very real one :)

Don't be discouraged or put off if your efforts don't seem to be adding up to much, or if your nieces and nephews act shy (or super-hyper) when you're around. Little kid behavior (and the behavior of teens, for that matter) can often be inscrutable, even to their parents. Don't read too much into any one visit or outing. Show up, ask for feedback, try something new, lower your expectations. After all, you have a lifetime together to make something beautiful.

We'd love to hear: if you're an aunt, how have you built a connection with your nieces and nephews? Any genius ideas to share with the group? 

Psst: Looking for a way to connect? You might love the Girls Goal Planner, a fun activity to do alongside your niece!