How to create a meaningful birthday celebration

When we're kids, birthdays are easy. We're thrilled by the sight of presents on the table, to blow out the candles on our favorite dessert, to hang streamers and have a few friends over. Turning older is a pure delight.

But then we turn a year older, and a year older, and another year older. And slowly, what was once so unequivocally exciting becomes... more complicated.

We're grateful for another year on this earth, of course, but for many of us, aging comes with a mix of emotions rather than simply positive ones: sadness over goals undone or relationships lost, frustration with physical limitations or changes, worry over the future, regret about the past.

And then there's the actual celebrating! Though we're pros at creating magical, memorable experiences for others, it can feel hard to create magic for ourselves—and even if we manage it, we can feel resentful that no one else swooped in.

I've been there. For many years I felt trapped in a cycle of unmet birthday expectations, until finally I got tired of spending "my day" disappointed and frustrated. A few things helped me celebrate my birthdays in a way that felt meaningful and joyful, and I'd love to share some thoughts with you today!

Dealing with the emotional side of birthdays

Let's start by addressing the emotional challenges of birthdays. How can you get ahead of feelings of sadness, regret, or fear at turning another year older? Consider this list and choose at least one exercise to spend time with on or around your birthday.

Write out a "good list."

If you struggle with contentment around your current age or life stage, pull out your Brain Dump journal and spend some time thinking through everything you love about being 25, 45, or 65. Big or small, the reasons might come slowly at first, but set a timer and stick with it. Keep writing! Whether new freedom in your schedule, a more positive mindset, opportunities to be generous, or a settled sense of style, every age can be met with gratitude if we have the eyes to notice.

Journal.

Even if you wouldn't consider yourself a regular journaler, a birthday can be a wonderful opportunity to reflect. It's so easy to forget how we felt or thought in the past; adding just one entry a year can become a really precious memento over time. Include in your journal your good list, bullet points about your favorite moments and adventures from the past year, a brief chronology of your year, or a letter of encouragement to yourself.

Take gentle care of yourself.

Watching our bodies age can be challenging. Just as with many relationships in my life— with my belongings, my home, my friends—I like to remind myself that, when it comes to my body, care creates contentment.

It's hard to show love to something and hate it at the same time. So, on your birthday, consider being kind to your physical body: paint your nails (or book a pedicure), get a massage (or a scalp massage!), have a hair cut, go for a long walk on a favorite route, take a yoga class, buy a new blush or mascara, swim in cold water. Tend to the vessel that has carried you thus far!

Be encouraged by the wisdom of older women.

If the idea of getting older is painful, learn from those who are a bit farther along. A few ideas:

• Watch the documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones, an inspiring and insightful exploration of five regions where residents commonly live to be centenarians.
• Read a book centering an older protagonist, or a memoir by an older women. Try The Correspondent, Becoming, I Feel Bad About My Neck, Olive Kitteridge, or The Frozen River.
• Listen to an episode of a storytelling podcast with older guests. Two favorites: Good Hang with Amy Poehler and Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus.

Dealing with the logistical (and fun!) side of birthdays

With emotional processing well underway, it's time to move toward action. Here are a few ways to make it more likely your birthday celebration will feel fun and satisfying to you.

Get clear on your expectations.

I live and die by the idea that one of the biggest predictors of happiness in life is realistic expectations. Isn't it strange that we can live the exact same day and yet experience it as thoroughly satisfying or utterly disappointing depending on the expectations we had going into it? But it's true!

This is especially important on a heightened day like a birthday. So, in the weeks leading up to your day, spend some time examining your expectations and your hopes. Grab your Brain Dump journal and ask yourself questions like these:

• What expectations might I have that I haven't consciously named?
• What expectations do I have about how other people will behave or what they will (or won't) do on my birthday?
• How do I want to spend my birthday?
• What would make my birthday a success?
• What matters most to me about my birthday?
• Are my hopes for my birthday possible within the constraints of my actual life? What needs to happen to celebrate in the way that I hope to?

Asking and answering questions like these will help you bring to light what's most important, especially the things you might have never said out loud. Once you've done that, you can bring other people into the celebration planning.

Share your expectations with others.

A grown-up fact of life: if you want your birthday to feel special and fun, you’re most likely going to need to be the one who ensures it gets celebrated the way you want it to.

And no matter how you'd like to spend your birthday, the plan likely involves the participation—or at least cooperation—of other people. This can feel tricky, but remember: no one is a mind reader, and clarity is kindness! Let the people who love you know how they can best do that! For example:

• If you want to be surprised, communicate that to your partner, friends, or family.
• If you want to take a solo hike, ask someone to care for your kids for a few hours.
• If you want someone else to make dinner, ask your partner to cook, make a reservation, or bring home takeout.
• If you want to not make any decisions about your big day, ask someone else to plan the fun (and then —very key! —graciously receive whatever they plan).
• If you want to get together with friends for lunch, invite them.
• If you want flowers or a special treat or a pedicure appointment, make the arrangements (or ask someone else to).
• If you want gifts that are experiences rather than items, graciously express that preference.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. The people who love you want you to be happy, and graciously communicating your wishes—with appropriate notice—is a gift to everyone.

Give yourself a pep talk.

Making a plan and communicating it is key, absolutely—but so is graciously releasing control once you've done so. Micromanaging how others fulfill your wishes will only make you (and them) miserable, so commit in advance to keeping a sunny, grateful attitude no matter what the day brings. Pivoting is better than planning, right? After all, no matter how your big day goes, you can always try again next year—and hopefully many more years after that. 

We'd love to hear from you: How do you like to celebrate your birthday? Leave a comment and let us know!